Throwback Thursday: I Failed The Bar Exam… By 3 Points
December 14, 2020 was the toughest day of my legal career: I found out I failed the bar exam by only 3 points. It was such a painful day, but I did manage to pick myself up, dust myself off, and go on to pass the next time. Since bar exam results are coming out for some while other are just beginning to start bar prep, I wanted to share my story.
I deleted most of my old blog content when I switched hosting platforms, but I saved this post. I wanted anyone experiencing something similar to be able to read this and know they aren’t alone. Things get better.
2020 was a difficult year for so many people, myself included. I had my law school graduation cancelled, my wedding postponed, and the bar exam was a mess. The test got delayed for months, the software destroyed computers and was completely unreliable, and the bar examiners seemed to care more about their exam than the safety or wellbeing of the examinees.
Getting The News
After months of stress and uncertainty, studying while also working a full time job, and waiting anxiously for results, I got an email from the Georgia Bar saying I had a message in my application portal. I figured it wasn’t going to be anything important. We were told results would be released in “late December,” and Georgia ALWAYS posts scores on Fridays (they even say this on their website). A mid-December Monday couldn’t have been cause for concern. However, when I opened my portal, the subject of the message was “Bar Exam Results.” My heart was pounding out of my chest as I opened the message. I scrolled down to the first line and read:
“I regret to advise you that you did not achieve a passing score on the October 2020 Georgia Bar Examination.”
This sentence stunned me. I didn’t even react. I told myself could happen due to the multitude of issues that revolved around this administration of the exam. Most bar advisors do not recommended working during bar prep, but I has been working full-time during the 6 months leading up to the exam because I couldn’t just go 6 months without an income. As I tried to rationalize all of this in my head, I read on:
“A total score of 270 is required to pass the examination…, and your total score is 267.”
This was what broke me. The multiple choice section was worth 200 points and had 100 questions. If I got 2 more right, I would have passed. The 3 essays were graded on a 6-point scale (18 points total). The essay score was then scaled to be out of 100 points. If I had written one more intelligent thing on any of my essays, I would have passed. If I had taken the exam in Alabama, Connecticut, the District of Columbia, Illinois, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Maryland, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Oklahoma, or South Carolina where the passing scores are lower than Georgia’s passing score, I would have passed.
How I Took The News (Hint: Not Well)
I was still numb until I typed out a text message to my then-fiancé: “I failed the bar by 3 points.” Once the emotions behind this reality hit me, I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve failed tests before, I’ve had semesters in law school where my grades were the worst I’ve ever gotten in my life, and I’ve experienced hurt and loss in many areas of my life, but this was the worst pain I’ve ever felt. After 3 years of law school, 6 months of studying for a bar exam that had been overshadowed with uncertainty during a pandemic, and plenty of student loan debt, I failed. If I decided to take the February Bar Exam, it would be at least an entire calendar year from my graduation that I’d be able to put my law degree to any use.
Meanwhile, my fiancé passed the exam, all of my close friends passed, and all of my fiancé’s friends passed. Being the only one to fail made me feel so hurt, humiliated, and unworthy. I couldn’t look at social media posts because my feeds were inundated with people who got to celebrate becoming attorneys, and I couldn’t text my friends because I didn’t want to ruin their happiness. I was so happy for my fiancé, but I couldn’t stop myself from crying. The pass list was published publicly, so if my deafening silence on social media wasn’t enough of a tip-off, my failure was out there for the world to see. I felt so alone and so ashamed.
I cried harder than I ever had in my life and ended up giving myself an awful headache on top of everything. My phone was blowing up, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I’d only be able to respond with anger and hurt feelings to anything anyone said. “People like Michelle Obama, Hilary Clinton, and JFK didn’t pass the bar the first time”? I’m not a Kennedy, didn’t go to an Ivy League school, and don’t have endless family money to fall back on. “You’ll do better next time”? Everyone told me that I’d pass THIS TIME and look how that worked out. “You were so close”? Not close enough.
Accepting The Reality That I Failed The Bar Exam
I probably single-handedly kept Chipotle in business through the pandemic, but I didn’t want to eat. I dozed off for a few hours from the sheer exhaustion of it all. When I woke up, I still felt pretty miserable.
I remembered seeing a blog post from The Legal Duchess’s blog when she failed the previous summer’s bar exam. I read that post to try to make sense of everything. After reading it over, I looked for other insights into this misery. It turns out, failing the bar comes with a lot of the same pain for everyone. Over that summer, I followed a lot of people on Twitter that took “barpocalypse” at the same time I did. I found a little comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone. Plenty of people also missed a passing score by just a few points.
The next day, I pretty much took the day to myself. I turned my phone off for the day, got take out from my favorite places, ran some errands with my fiancé, and watched Netflix. The day after that, I finally responded to the messages on my phone, re-applied for the bar exam in February, signed back up for bar prep, and resigned from my job. After a week of self-reflection and coming to terms with everything, I want to give some advice to anyone who’s in my shoes or knows somebody who is.
If You Didn’t Pass The Bar Exam…
This sucks. There’s no way around it. The first few hours are going to hurt like hell. If you’re like me, nothing is going to make it feel better. The best thing you can do right away is to just let yourself feel everything and react accordingly (scream-cry into a pillow, go for a long walk alone, etc.). Take the time you need to process everything. If you need to be alone, give yourself that space. You don’t owe anyone anything, and that includes texts and calls. It’s okay to be “selfish.” If you need to talk to a friend, family member, or a therapist, do that. We all process grief in different ways, and right now is a time to do whatever you need. It is completely normal to feel hurt. Let yourself feel it.
Once the initial shock wears off, be nice to yourself. Take a bubble bath, eat a whole tub of ice cream, binge a show, or whatever it is that makes you feel better. You may not be feeling great, but you can at least enjoy a little “me-time.” You don’t need to be back in action right away, and people will generally understand the need for time off.
When you start feeling like yourself again, think about whether you want to try again, how you can do better, and what your game plan will be going forward. Above all, remember that the bar exam is not indicative of your intelligence, your worth as a person, or your abilities as an attorney. Two of my favorite phrases from the summer of 2020 were “if attorneys practiced law like they studied for the bar, they’d all get sued for malpractice” and “any attorney who got called out for incompetent practice of law, by definition, passed the bar.” No matter what, you are a worthy person, and I am rooting for you. If you need to talk, feel free to shoot me an email, leave a comment, or message me through social media.
If Someone You Know Didn’t Pass The Bar Exam…
Is there anything worse than someone you care about feeling bad and not being able to do anything about it? Yes. Being that hurt person is worse. Please don’t make that burden heavier by pushing yourself or your disappointment onto them.
If you know someone who failed the bar, the absolute best thing you can do for them is to meet them where they are. If they don’t want to talk, do not blow up their phone. Send a text saying you love them, are there for them when they’re ready, ask if there is anything you can do, and leave it at that. They’ll respond when they’re ready.
If they do want to talk, make every effort to be there for them and just listen. The bar exam is brutal, and so much hinges on passing it. Missing that mark hurts, and people process hurt in their own way. Don’t smother someone who is working on picking up the pieces. The only caveat to letting people grieve in their own way is if you are genuinely concerned for someone’s safety. The legal field is notorious for damaging mental health. If you are worried about someone, find out what local resources are available. The national suicide hotline is 800-273-8255.
Failing The Bar Exam Is Not The End
Failing the bar is tough, but it is not the end of the world. Tomorrow will come, and better things are ahead. After I gave myself the space to grieve, I got back to studying. I ended up passing the bar exam the next round, and I’ve gone on to have a fantastic legal career! Bar exam re-takers are truly some of the most resilient people out there, and this test will not define you. I believe in you! If you want to talk, I’m always here.
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